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Escalating tensions between Berlin newspapers Bild and Die Tageszeitung have climaxed in the left-leaning Die Tageszeitung's erection of a massive sculpture of Kai Diekmann, editor of right-leaning rival Bild. The sculpture features a Diekmann with a six-meter high, left-leaning penis topped by the head of a cobra. It seems like Diekmann plans to just walk it off, probably not least because of his impotence to prevent Die Tageszeitung from unethically pummeling his pimmel. (For example, by claiming that he had erectile dysfunction surgery that used corpse parts in 2002). I'm not the expert on Germany around here, so maybe McIlwain can fill us in on any thing that else that pops out at him. The soft, puny, and ever-shrinking Fourth Estate of the U.S. (that seems to only know one position) should take note of how to keep salient in hard times, and for the sake of art, I can only urge the Berlin press to keep it up.

Pictures from Die Tageszeitung, and there are more detailed pictures available in the photo gallery here. Ostensibly in German, but able to communicate to all in the universal language of dick-jokes.

Berlin celebrates 20 years sans-Wall by having U2 perform a free concert in front of the Brandenburg Gate. In what is surely the biggest instance of irony and/or crass insensitivity, the promoters erected a 12 foot WALL around the concert area, presumably to prevent FREEloaders from viewing the FREE concert.

In another major fail, the Canadian Broadcast Company placed the following ad on their french-language Radio Canada website to promote its interactive journey through German history. The problem is, of course, that the flag isn't German. It's at best a Belgian flag flipped to the side.

It wouldn't be appropriate for a week to go by without Western news outlets disguising a madlibs, schadenfried article about Russia and alcoholism as a legitimate piece of journalism. You know the kind, with tragicomic interviews with drunks leading to moralizing and sincere editorial quips like: "Such is Russia’s ruinous penchant for the bottle — and the challenge facing a new government policy to curb it." Stereotypes exist for a reason, right? Just take a look at this series of entirely scale-less, number-less bar-graphs compiled from the CIA World Factbook. Ain't that some scholarly shit! Finally, we have PROOF that Russians, compared to Americans, are like 78 pixels less happy. Anyway, I think the pretense for today's NYT smear piece is that Medvedev is trying to crack down on beer sales in kiosks. This is all you need to see to figure out how well that's going to work:

That's CCTV from the Lefortovo Tunnel in Moscow, a.k.a. the Frank Lloyd Wrong Tunnel of Death. Can you find the hidden intersection? To be fair to the New York Times, even RIA-Novosti's (i.e. government-backed) Russia Today network decided to get some mileage out of this epic warehouse blooper, wherein a piss-drunk forklift operator instantly destroys a small skyscraper of liquor stock.

In the spirit of the valid research that went into those histograms, you can make your own comparisons to the United States by taking a look at this viral CCTV video of a gulfneck on a beer-run.

Elsewhere in the land of post-Utopian malaise, Uzbek courts have struck a blow in the war on terror by shutting down a Baptist Youth Camp. Well, that may not be fair, I don't know what Youth Camps in Tashkent are like. Do they resemble the lame Christian summer camps of my youth (rappelling, listening to Carman), or the bonkers, crypto-fascist Evangelical indoctrination centers of the high Bush years? I'd guess the latter, because you gotta keep up with Juma's if you wanna compete. Uzbekistan's President (by 90% of the vote!) Islam Karimov has been making dreams come true since 1991. Especially if your dream is martyrdom! Where else can you get boiled alive with a wink from the U.S.? If you wanna really go out like a Donatist and not get bogged down in those pesky Hague trials, you really couldn't pick a better place to set up shop.

Whether you're a Russian nationalist, political Manichee, nostalgic for the USSR's missile parades, or just a fan of Mad Max movies, join Whaddit.be in saying s dnem rozhdeniya to the first Soviet Nuke test-detonation!  I know you're not fission for compliments, but you sure don't look 60!  This piece of serious tele-journalism includes new insight into the epic goatee of Igor Kurchatov, or as the wonks call him: Red Oppenheimer.

Who's the strange-necked man with tanning-bed hands and an oversized head in this clip-art business meeting photo from Microsoft's Polish Business Productivity site?

Why, it's none other than a photoshopped stand-in for the middle aged African-American business model in the non-Polish version!

links are active as of date of publication (25 Aug 2009).  currently trying to see if any other countries have gotten their pages white-washed.  

Addendum: As of 31 Aug 2009, the Polish site has been de-photoshopped (delete layer?) after the blogosphere lit up about it and Microsoft issued a "golly, gee, wonder how that happened?" statement.  The ad now conforms to a normal corporate ad with the standard, believably unrealistic amount of workplace diversity.    

This has not been a good week for statues.

As a culmination of what was, I would hope, an avant-garde performance art piece explaining why the Soviet Union collapsed, a 21-year old Belarussian man was killed after drunkenly swinging from the outstretched arm of a 15 ft (or so) high statue of V.I. Lenin.  As Pravda explains, this has happened before, in Krasnoyarsk 2003, because the plaster statues are made to look like they are metal. 

Continuing in it's mission to become the world's most polite dystopian island of the damned, the UK has continued to spread 3 ft high roadside statues of expressionless children to alert drivers to the presence of zebra-crossings for children.  These bollards, sometimes referred to as "Billy / Bettie Bollards," are being used because they are allegedly cheaper than video surveillance (which I find hard to believe; doesn't the UK get some sort of discount for bulk purchases?).  It's a little early in the day, so I can only see two, glaringly obvious flaws in the thinking behind these horrifying things.  First, as happens with everything that sees moonlight in the UK, these mannikins will be subjected to all sorts of terrible abuse by drunken yobbos.  Who can blame them?  Secondly (and probably of more importance) drivers will start to ignore, um, other child-shaped objects near bollard occupied roads.

What is going on in this young Ukrainian soldier's head right now?  Enter Whaddit.be's first caption contest, and if you're the lucky 7,500th participant, you'll win a limited edition life-size replica of the "Reset" button, hand made by Jon Ezell! (photo: AP)

It's hard to figure out what Joe Biden was after.  Was it fucking up the brief thaw with Russia that the Obama administration had been pursuing, or does Biden really just not give a shit about what happens in Afghanistan?

About a week ago U.S. VP and venerable blowhard Joe Biden decided to hit the "overload" button and proceeded to chest-beat and rooster-walk all around Russia, asserting, in so many words, that Russia was now too weak to resist cooperating with the United States in Afghanistan. Wait, wait...WHAT?!?

I need to briefly backtrack for clarity's sake.  The U.S.-led operations in Afghanistan require support from bordering countries, mainly in the form of use of land-routes into Afghanistan (especially in the case of Uzbekistan), or in allowing the establishment of air-bases (like the Manas base in Kyrgyzstan).  Power in Central Asia is a little tricky.  Uzbekistan and Kazakhstan are the local big dogs, Russia's influence is also still prominent, although the yoke of the Soviet Union is still fresh in some leaders' minds.  Some countries are more or less without government outside of the cities (especially Tajikistan). 

At any rate, the assistance that Biden expect Medvedev et. al. to sheepishly deliver to him on a silver platter would utilize Russia's still very real influence over these former Soviet Central Asian republics that border Afghanistan.  Recently, the most obvious sign of Russia's pull in the area has been the scramble over Russian and U.S. airbases in Kyrgyzstan.  After Russia pledged about about $2B to  Kyrgyzstan for development, the Kyrgyz Government voted to kick the Yanks out of the Manas airbase.  After renegotiations, the U.S. has been allowed to lease Manas at $170M per year, but how long they will stay is unclear (it's a one year, indefinite lease, unlike Russia's which seems to be a 49 year agreement). Undaunted, and probably encouraged. by Joe Biden's attempt at diplomacy, President Medvedev has asserted that Russia has "privileged interests" in Central Asia, and has confirmed plans for  a second Russian airbase in Kyrgyzstan.   Similar deals in Tajikistan may also be underway.

Such strengthening of the Moscow-backed Collective Security Treaty Organization could possibly be interpreted as a geo-political response to the ham-fisted attempts by the U.S. to establish missile bases all over former Warsaw Pact Europe, or to counterbalance the regional influence of  that Western-friendly, boiling people alive, pop-music powerhouse*, Uzbekistan.  On further analysis, however, the plans are slightly different, as the Russian one actually makes sense on several levels.

(1) Terrorism, smuggling, and drug trafficking all have major roots in the crushing poverty of Central Asia, especially in Tajikistan and Kyrgyzstan.

(2) Considerable populations of Central Asian immigrants form an underclass in Russia which, given the economic downturn, could create internal threats in Russia.

(3) Counteracting NATO's overtures in Eastern Europe and perhaps watching the U.S. eat more crow in Afghanistan may be less direct, but not wholly unwelcome motives, especially considering the CIA's role in instigating the USSR's "Vietnam" moment in Afghanistan.

What's in it for Kyrgyzstan and other Central Asian countries?  Let's compare the two suitors.  You've got the U.S., who is already stretched thin, can't seem to quell violence in Afghanistan, couldn't do a damn thing for Georgia, and has annoying hangups about civil liberties and such.  Then you have Russia, who at least knows how to find you on a map, is fine with "presidency for life," and only a year ago pummeled Georgia over a tiny autonomous republic. There is plenty of speculation about all of this geo-political maneuvering, a sample of which can be read in English here.

For policy wonks, these developments are certainly alarming, and Biden's behavior must be infuriating.  Probably the only reason the U.S. right-wing hasn't completely gone ballistic at this is that it would require admitting the U.S. needs Russia's help.  Sure, the recent financial apocalypse has greatly affected the Russian economy, but, considering the history of U.S. and Russian relations, and considering what the U.S. occupation of Afghanistan is trying to accomplish (if that was ever clear at all), Biden's hackneyed use of reverse psychology is absolutely absurd.  Has he been getting his policy briefs from the Brzezinskis? Of course, covering the poverty stricken 'stans isn't the sexiest thing in the world, so most American information consumers will have to make do with Biden's drunken assertion that Ukrainian women are the hottest in the world. (Until another war is in the works, anyway.)

P.S.

For folks that are interested in Kyrgyzstan or Central Asia, I recommend checking out the fun expat-run magazine The Spektator, based out of Bishkek.

*Why yes, the singer in that video is none other than Googoosha, aka Gulnara Karimova, the daughter of Islam Karimov, president of Uzbekistan, by 90% of the vote, since 1991.  

The four largest opposition parties in Moldova have garnered 50.7% of the vote in yesterday's parliamentary election. The ruling Communists received a very respectable 45.1%. The Communists appear to be on the way out because the opposition plans on forming a coalition within parliament to elect the next president.

Readers may remember Moldova's election in April which gave the Communists a narrow victory and resulted in violent street protests in the capital, Chişinău. The protests saw the presidential offices looted and the partial torching of the parliament -- which is still being repaired. The protests provided the opposition enough political power that they boycotted parliamentary votes for a new president. As a result of the two failed votes the constitution stipulated that a new election to called.

The opposition will not have an easy time electing a new president. As noted the Communists won 45.1% of the vote, which gives them 48 seats against the opposition's combined 53. In Moldova the president is elected by a 61 seat majority in the unicameral 101 seat parliament. The new coalition will have to convince at least 13 Communists to vote with them. This on top of selecting a candidate from a coalition of four parties who only agree on two points, that Moldova should join the European Union and NATO. I suppose they all share an unhealthy propensity for economic liberalism as well, but this is typical of opposition parties in the region.

The pro-EU/NATO lean of the new ruling coalition may present problems of it's own concerning Moldova large, sometimes belligerent, neighbor to the East. Will a more Western looking Moldova provoke a repeat of the Russian boycott of Moldovan consumer products as it did a few years back? Perhaps Moldova's breakaway Republic of Transdniestria will provide the opportunity for a Georgian solution to the Moldovan question. Luckily, this latter course of action is much less likely unless the only candidate for president that the coalition and the Communists can agree on is as miscalculating as Monsieur Saakashvili.

Moldovan Election Results in Numbers:

Communist Party (45.1%) - 48 seats

Liberal Democratic Party (16.4%) - 17 seats

Liberal Party (14.4%) - 15 seats

Democratic Party (12.5%) - 13 seats

'Moldova Noastra (Our Moldova)' Alliance (7.4%) - 8 seats

Sweden has recently decided to introduce climate labeling on some foods. Products that have a 25% lower climate impact than a predetermined benchmark will include a label indicating as much. The scheme will, in the beginning, include plant, dairy and fish products. Nearly 60% of the Swedish population is said to desire such climate labeling.

Climate labeling and other schemes, including those that encourage energy efficiency among consumers, are the so-called 'low hanging fruit' in the battle against climate change. Such efforts could potentially contribute to significant reductions in emissions through slight shifts in consumer behavior. Unless the culture of waste in people's everyday lives is eliminated (or at least greatly reduced) the target of stopping climate change at +2ºC pre-industrial levels is unrealistic. Indeed, individual consumer choice is an oft ignored area in terms of green funding, frequently taking a backseat to energy technologies including that pie in the sky, carbon capture and storage.

The European Union is exploring similar union-wide labeling schemes and hopes come up with a methodology for gauging the environmental impact of food and drink by 2011.

Climate labels already appear on some products in the UK, but there they are completely voluntary. (photo: Flickr)

UPDATE: The European Commission has released data form a recent survey that reveals that an overwhelming majority of Europeans (4 out of 5) are in favor of climate or eco labeling. Europeans may be seeing mandatory swedish-style labeling sooner than later.

The Czech Republic has recently announced that it will not be participating in future Eurovision song contests. The song contest which drew over 122 million viewers to this year's finale in Moscow, will be in Oslo next year. Czech television cited low viewer interest in the spectacle as the reason for withdrawing from the contest.

Is this yet another sign of a eurosceptic Czech public distancing itself from a European institution? A testament to the highbrow sensibility of Czech audiences? Perhaps they are just sore losers?

Lets start with the last question. Are the Czechs just sore losers? Yeah probably. Some readers might remember that the Whaddit.be Eurovision roundup acknowledged the 2009 Czech entry as 'terrible' and apparently others agreed. The entry was the only one in the last five years not to earn any points on the big scoreboard. Wow. That's pretty difficult at Eurovision. The group dubbed Gipsy.cz (yes, it is also their web address) was fronted by a man dressed as a superhero named Super Gipsy. See for yourself.

In all seriousness, people shouldn't read too much into this. Its a curiosity at best, but as frequent readers of Whaddit.be will notice, the Czechs just make it too easy to make fun.